What I would do to just go back. Go all the way back to May 2012 when I met you. To change everything that happened. Its obvious if things were done differently then, that things would be alot different now. But I am stuck thinking of what could have been, what might have been. But I can’t go back and change things, and I can’t keep trying to fix what happened, because every time I try to fix something, or I get involved at all, I don’t do anything but make the situation worse. I would want to say that we have come so far, but that would be a lie. All that has happened has made things worse, it has pushed us into two different corner, and neither of us have anything else to give. I would go back to the day I met you in 8th grade when the band came to the high school and played with the wind ensemble. The day I sat next to you, freaking out so hard. Taking up the whole music stand with my stupid band binder. Remembering that face you made to your friend sitting on the other side of you, like I was some kind of freaken weirdo. When both bands were going to play Ghost Fleet and you let up use my sheet music, and when we had to flip the page of to get to the other sheet our hands touched and I quickly pulled away, my face got so red and hot and I kept my eyes glued on the sheet music. It was stupid and crazy but at that moment I thought you were so cute! It was such a stupid thing but from then on I wanted to find out who this mystery tenor saxophone player was, and it ended up being you. Then I slowly forgot about you until a group of friends and I went to the St. Rose Carnival at the end of June. I was with my best friends Omar and Eva when all of a sudden I turned around and you were talking to Omar. My face got very red, and I started to laugh like a weirdo, then I looked at you and you had such a cute smirk on your face, probably thinking to yourself “What a strange girl .. whats funny, is it me … wow that’s just awkward”. I could only image what you were thinking. When you left I started to ask Omar about you and the more he told me, the more I was interested ….. I just though you were a cool kid, who was mysteriously interesting.  So when we passed the dunk tank I couldn’t resist, you were in it, already wet with your muscles showing OMG … so ya I spend $20 trying to dunk you ….. for so many failed attempts, so when I had the chance I hit the button to dunk you ….. not realizing your face of disbelief. You were mortified …. like you thought I was Psychs  But really all I was trying to do was get your attention and be on your radar. Then things got out of hand when we started school .. passing you in the hall way, seeing you at lunch, in the lobby, between the classes. Realizing now that a freshman liking a junior as amazing and awesome like you was so freaken stupid. But I want to apologize cause I wasn’t stalking you, and I didn’t mean to annoy you, or creep you out, or to harass you, or to embarrass you. From my prospective I was just crushing hard, and that was a new concept to me, I have only really crushed almost this hard on my two best guy friends before, but I guess the idea of you I got caught up with. Ya at the beginning of the year I might have said somethings, wrote a few statuses about you …. all in good nature! I might have come on to strong, and in a creep way. But your friends had a role in playing up the situation by getting involved. In the end moving on is whats best. I realized that I can’t keep waiting for you to realize what you could have. I don’t care what you think about me because your opinion doesn’t matter to me. All I can say is I am a good person and you or any guy would be lucky to be with me. I made a mistake on coming on to strong, and not getting to know you first. But your friends need to stop to. It really bothers me how they make fun or me and harass me for things I said in the past or for liking you to begin with. It was such a stupid mistake, and looking at this now, I am so much better off without you! I don’t need the stress of the drama and I really don’t need this bull shit! Ya I called you a tall glass of hot and sexy, ya I called you an unproportional giraffe but none of that matters of means anything. It was immaturity blinding me. I was put on this earth to do bigger and better things on this earth, and one of them was NOT to waste my time on you! I only have 9 more days till I am 330 miles from this town for a week, and for what you ask. The Presidential Inaugural Conference in Washington D.C with the nations top academic scholars and future leaders in America. I was number 86 out of 2000 picked. I am a bright kid and all I know is I am better without you! I don’t need this shit from you. Honestly being 330 miles away from you for 6 days with people that are just like me, looking for a bright future will do me good. Cause I’ll be with people like me, that get and understand me. And not anywhere need an ass whole like you that is clouding my judgement. All I want to say is I am sorry, but you need to apologize to. I would wish to go back in time and handle everything that happened differently! Like a redo a second chance to get acquainted and to get to know each other. I wasted so much time and energy on you that looking back it was so stupid!!!!! It wasn’t even worth it, because you weren’t even worth it! Today’s lesson think before you act, and don’t be blind or Nieve. Think before you act and don’t get caught up with the stereotypes of high school. Its not worth it! Today is page 10 out of 365 and i am already angry, stressed, and over whelmed. To be honest pay attention and take your friends advise. They who you better than anyone, and they always have your back. They only want whats best for you. 

Something worth noting - Sometimes people don’t like being invisible but when something happens they wish they were so. Sometimes being invisible to one person, you are really visible to another. Keep your eyes open and don’t try to hard.

What is something you regret? What is something you wish you had the chance to go back and redo? What is a lesson you have learned from a bad experience?

Today I realized something! It is a great feeling to give other people compliments because it makes their day! It makes them feel good about themselves  and it gives them the confidence they need. It is a good way to make people feel better, to change how they are feeling. It is proven that sometimes people look like the happiest people in the world, like they are the strongest people out their! But in actuality they are trying to just barely hold themselves together. They are staying strong because people rely on them. But to be far, who do they have to rely on? Because people aren’t always strong they need support also. You can’t judge a book by its cover in the fact that what appears to be on the surface, my not be what is really going on deep inside of them. Today I did something I never thought of doing before. There is this amazing Junior in my life and at the beginning of the year I kinda messed things up, by coming on to strong. So, now that Facebook has an NHS (Newtown High School) Compliments page I decided to put myself out their and try something new. I put myself out their and acknowledges what happened in the past, and to move forward I expressed my feelings. I made a comment to Alex …. this great guy who no matter how much I messed up in trying to get his attention he was always understand …. and forgive, and excepting. It was great! This is what I wrote,  ”Alex Lapinski - even thou we got off on the wrong foot you are still such a sweetheart you are kind, nice, and sweet. You are understanding and forgiving. But most of all you are my original tall glass of hot and sexy, and you’ll always be my friends and I … unproportional giraffe” . From that moment on instead of caring what people said to me I got involved in the joke. Back at the beginning of the school year I made the statement Alex is a tall glass of hot and sexy. Now I look back and see how foolish I was, but that statement has become popular with the football team. Now I embrace what I started! It feels good to be so popular haha lol. Back to the point one day I was mad at him and called him an unproportional giraffe because he is six foot five inches tall. Now we laugh about how silly and stupid and immature we both were being when we were fighting. It was great because he told me my compliment was hilarious and that made me so happy. I was glad to amuse him. Because now that I amused him and his friends I got his attention and that is something I didn’t have to work to hard to get. It is a gift to be classy and funny at the same time. But it felt good to take a risk and put myself out there. By making compliments to people, people end up being alot nicer, and happier, and alot less problems occur! Today i never realized that if I was nice to you, and made a joke about all the stupid stuff that went on in the past it would not only make me feel better, but it made me laugh …… and i amused you at the same time!!! It was a classy moment …… Now I feel so happy and free. Today’ lesson is to be kind to one another because sometimes you never truly know what someone is going through, because you can’t see it or they are hiding it very well.  Today was page 7 out of 365 pages in our book for 2013. Writing our life is in our hands and it is very powerful. It is a tool we all have the privileged to have. Make wise chooses, but also take risks, and make mistakes, because that is how we learn and move forward in life. 

What did you write in your book today? What is something you learned? What is something you tried differently that made a difference?

Today I looked in the mirror and saw something I haven’t seen in a while. What I saw was happiness, I was happy! I was smiling and just glowing from head to foot. When I woke up this morning I felt different, I didn’t know or understand how, until I came home from Church. Father Luke said something at mass to do that stuck with me. Honesty and Reality are gifts from god! Then I finally understood when I got home. It was like my eyes opened and were looking at something totally different. I was still me don’t get me wrong, but I was a better version of me, if you don’t mind me saying! It was like I saw myself through a different pair of eyes! I didn’t see an awkward teenage girl who was to tall and to fat. Instead I saw myself as an independent woman, with the power, dedication, and determination to do anything I wanted! I was smiling because I excepted me for who I was! It doesn’t matter what other people think, or do, or say about me. All that matters is the truth! The only person who can control how I feel is me! Because I am the only one who knows the truth, because I am me! It is so great that I learned to except who I was because then I stopped putting myself down! I stopped looking for flaws and things that could be wrong with me! Instead I embarrassed myself. I thought to myself that the only person that matters today was me! So I took sometimes and focused on me and the changes I am going to make this year. First thing is NOT to be boy crazy, I don’t need the drama! Plus if a guy likes me than fine, and if he doesn’t then oh well his loss. But I am not going to chase after someone who doesn’t like me, or even give me a chance. It would be there loss than because I appreciate me and I see all the values that I allow the world to benefit from! When you become honest with yourself things start to fall into place. You look at life differently, your less judgmental, and more understanding, and accepting. Todays lesson is to love yourself. Simple as that! To love yourself and embarrass who you are because you are special and unique, there is not another person out there that is just like your. Today is page 7 out of 365 pages in our book. You have the power to write your destiny, from past experiences, lessons learned, and the power that you hold by being in control of your life! Being honest with yourself really helps because sooner or later reality is going to catch up with you!  (When I see you walking down the hall and our eyes connect, spars fly, I blush when I look at you. I  know your the one for me!)

What is something your going to challenge in your life? What is something your are going to have an open mind about?

Today after I went for a long run to clear my mind, seeing that it was impossible to get any pool time at my club team I went for a run. This morning the air was clean, and crisp, but it was quite nippy. My mind kept racing a mile a minute. As I made it up to the top of the hill half way up my block the thought of him popped into my head. Ok, I am not the luckiest person alive so when something good happens to me, I can’t help but be skeptical! On Friday I was going to my mathematics class when my friend was calling me out of the classroom for a chat. When I got back I was gathering my materials for class and an envelope fell out. I knew that it wasn’t in there before and I started to get a little creep-ed out because I do not like people touching my things without asking, and obviously someone had touched my bag. I quickly slide the envelope under my textbook, to make sure no one had seen it and then I grabbed it as quickly as I could because I wanted to know what it had said! I opened it and what was written inside was “Dear Amanda, I think you’re very cute! And you have very nice hair. :) Love your Secret Admirer”. That was strange the hand writing wasn’t familiar to me and someone thinking I’m cute I could not help but laugh so hard! I have never heard that one before. But after I read it some may thoughts kept running through my head! Who was this person, did I know them? So many questions then the down fall hits. I come back to reality and all of a sudden I realize hold up all this is, is a joke. So I decided to put it back in my back pack and forget about it, just pretend it never happened. It was then end of the day when I saw my what used to be crush …. sitting on the bench with his friends. All I know is DON’T make eye contact just keep walking and laugh with my friends. Pretend my face isn’t burning up and just keep going. All I do is have to make it to my locker and I will be home free. All until my friend Mimi yells Penis as loud as she can down the hall and everyone of those guys heads turn our way at the same time. Most awkward moment every! What I realized today was I need to be honest and me being in a relationship right now isn’t fair, because I’m not giving 100% because my heart wants someone else right now, sometimes life is complicated! Today I learned I need to focus and love me before anything else can matter. Loving yourself and who you are is so important everything else will fall into place. Its just so amazing how when you least expect it things change, for the good or the bad we never know but we must role with the punches and try new things. Things change, people change, most of all feelings change. Today’s lesson follow your heart, and don’t listen to what people around you are saying. You have to take risks and try new things, but you have to make yourself happy first! Today was page 6 out of 365 in our empty books. We need to fill our books the way we want to , we have to make our own bliss. We must challenge the status quo and take our life into prospective. Its our book we must write it the way we want to! To be happy in life is to take chances and go for it. Nothing is worse than saying what if. Try something new for a chance, the worst that you happen is things don’t work out. Step our of your comfort zone and explore the world around you.   

What chance are you going to take? What is the worst that could happen? What are you going to do, to challenge society around you?

I WILL SAY IT AGAIN PLEASE GO FOLLOW OR BOOK MARK MY NEW BLOG BECAUSE AT THE END OF THE MONTH I WILL BE DELETING THIS ACCOUNT THANK YOU! HERE IS TONIGHT’S UPDATE

                                   http://farfrominvisible.tumblr.com/

Today I realized that happiness is not something that I had to go looking for. It was something that I had in my life, I was just looking in all the wrong places. At first I thought to be happy in high school I needed a upper-class-man boyfriend, or to have guys like me. But that was not the case and I soon figured that out. I didn’t need to be dating a junior to be cool, happy, or popular. All I needed were the people in my life that made me happy and that were positive, that never brought me down. My friends are are what make me happy because they aren’t just my friends or classmates, they are my family. Happiness just comes naturally when you don’t go looking for it, it just happens when you finally realize what you have in your life is all you really need because you are blessed to have what you have in your life, and you need to be grateful because sometimes people aren’t as lucky as you are. Even though some people think they aren’t lucky they are, they are lucky in there own unique way, if everyone was the same then people in the world would be quite boring.  This week my life changed and my eyes were opened. Three weeks ago in my small and quite town or Newtown in CT had something horrific happen that no one in this town would ever think could happen, but it did. On Wednesday school was back in session after our winter holiday and you could just tell that something different was in the air. We weren’t the same people, we were closer to one another because we all came together and we are here for one another. We understand and accept people, and we are less judgmental now that is horrible event occurred. We are NEWTOWN STRONG and that is something we will always be. Newtown CT won’t be known for the town were 26 innocent lives were taken in the Sandy Hook Elementary School Shooting but we will be known as the town that stayed together that came together to love and support one another. That is something you can’t say happens all the time. But when I got back to school on Wednesday I realized that nothing was going to be the same, my best friend in the whole world lost her little brother and that is something I feel and carry heavily in my heart, because Chase was the sweetest little boy you would ever meet and I can’t believe he is gone :(. But coming to school I knew I had to be strong, that was until I meet the cutest comfort dog in the world. Her name is Ladle! She is such a sweetheart. Ladle looked me in the eyes and was so cute. She really made me smile, and that was something I hadn’t done in over three weeks. This dog was so cute when I came over everyday this week she would turn her head and look at me and she was just a good friend. I used to be scared of dogs but this week I got over that fear, I became in love with this dog and she was such a good listener. This week I talked out my feelings for what happened and I finally came to some sort of terms to peace of what happened. And after talking about what happened and how I was feeling I was able to finally sleep through the night for the first time in three weeks. This dog brought happiness back into my life and i am so  grateful for that! She was so cute with her pink bandanna tided around her neck and she was so soft. Ladle was something that brightened my days during this week and I am forever thankful for that and I am so happy I made a friend in this dog. I am going to miss her so much now that she is going back to Illinois but I will never forget the happiness she restored back in my life. You can never give up on trying to be happy sometimes if you just stop looking or trying so hard happiness will come naturally into your life.  Happiness isn’t something you can buy it is something you feel, its a joy and laughter that you have and you want to share with everyone! Today was page 4 out of our 365 page book. Our books are never written for us, we are given these blank pages to write our own future  write your future so you can be happy and joyful, but make sure you are grateful and thankful for what you have, because you never know if today is your last day on earth. Today’s main lesson would be to think before you speak because your first impression on a person is the only impression that matters to them, it always sticks with them in there minds, and you need to make your first impression count. If your crush is in the room, don’t try to act like a big shot, they don’t like that and also don’t have your friends talk to them for you, have some confidence and be proud of who you are, talk to them on your own. Happiness is the key to a good life.

What is something you are happy about? What is something you would like to change in your life? What is the one thing you would do if you could go back in time?

GO FOLLOW MY NEW BLOG FOR I WILL BE DELETING THIS ONE AT THE END OF THE MONTH!!!!!!!

http://farfrominvisible.tumblr.com/

Today was a long day, longer than usual. For I had all my academic classes and I couldn’t catch a break at all to think or day dream to myself. My head was clouded with all these thoughts that just kept flying all around and I just couldn’t seem to clear my mind and catch a break. All my thoughts were everywhere and I was having trouble focusing. Then I realized I needed to just take a break, step aside for a moment, and breathe. All I needed was a moment to myself to gather my thoughts. It was a chance to breath because I was getting so over whelmed that I had no idea what my teachers were talking about. I am an organized person and its scary how I know were everything is at all times. But today I had my materials but my thoughts and mind were in a completely different place. That was until I took it upon myself to give myself some motivating/encouraging words. I knew that I have many projects, essays, and other work that I needed to get done that is all due around the same time. They are all equally important to my academic success and I just needed to tell myself to step away! It was that simple by stepping away and going for a long run I was able to clear my disorganized mind. When I got back in the house I looked at my work and I realized I just need to make a list, sort assignments out by task (project, essay, research, etc.) then I added the subject, teacher, and email address (in case I had any questions or if I needed to ask for help/ an extension) then I added the due date to each assignment and ranked them easiest to hardest so I knew which would require more time/effort. It made alot of sense to write everything down that way I wasn’t disorganized but I would physically see what needed to get done! I didn’t have to worry if I remembered to do something or not, it was all right in front of me. My eyes were opened today by realizing that if I just took a set back and looked at the situation from a different prospective that I was able to do what needed to be done. It also made me realize that tomorrow is Friday and that gives me the whole weekend to get a jump start on all this work. Being in high school isn’t a bad thing, but sometimes like I finally realized today is that sometimes I challenge myself a little to much in trying to succeed and push myself in my academics. But it is totally ok to ask for help, its not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign or strength to recognize I needed help. Its your choose whether you ask for the help or not but help is always there, all around you. Today’s lesson is nothing is as bad as it seems there is always a solution in every situation even if you don’t see it at first it is always there. Today was just day 3 of our 365 page book. Each day we are put into different positions in situations and we always play a role in everyday life. Don’t just sit on the side lines, get involved, make a difference, make your mark! Every moment in our lives count, for each day is a gift! We all should be happy. Just open your eyes and you will see the world around you in a different way everyday, things in our life are constantly changing, always moving forward. Just look at life in for a different prospective you just might learn something new!

What is something you did differently today? What is something you  choose to do that made a difference?