Today I was finishing cleaning out my backpack from the school year so I could through away all my garbage and make room, in the room were all of my things have been located for the last month. When I found a note from back in December that I received and the event of that day just started to race through my mind. I was walking to my locker and I found a note taped to my locker. I was surprised so I put my binders into my locker and then read the note. It said, “Amanda as you are now you could disappear and no one would notice. What is the point for you to be here then?” I took the note off my locker put it in my pocket, dropped my books to the ground and ran as fast as I could down the hall to the bathroom. I couldn’t stop crying. I went back to class and kept my head down for the rest of the day. I didn’t talk to anyone and I skipped lunch that day. That letter was really messing up my head. I didn’t know what to do so I ripped the note and flushed it down the toilet. It didn’t make me feel any better but at least I didn’t have to see it ever again. I didn’t tell anyone about the confrontation, because I knew no one would care. Where do I turn from here?
WOW! I never thought that I would ever feel this way. But, the sad truth was everyone didn’t see me as a nice, smart, helpful person. They all saw me as “The DUFF”, The Designated, Ugly, Fat, Friend. The one girl in a group of friends that was less attractive, to tall, and to fat to even been considered to hang out with that group of people. Believe me EVERY group has a “DUFF”. Really I never knew that was a word before. But, I guess it is, and man alive being called that really STINKS! It really puts a damper on your spirit and makes you think of all the different ways people perceive you to be. I never cared about what people thought about me, until about sixth grade. And people say your teen years are supposed to be the best years of your life. I disagree. I guess people are right thou, I am the duff. Ok, let’s be honest. I’m not the skinniest girl out there, I tower over everyone, and my feet look like paddles. Honestly who would want to be a fifteen year old female that weighs one-hundred and forty pounds, is five feet seven inches, and has size eleven feet. I would say no one. That’s why when I’m hanging out or helping my guy friends that are jocks they want to keep me a secret from people. But it’s not like I’m not trying or anything, I try really hard. I swim every day of the week competitively for two hours, then I go running for one and a half hours three days a week, and I do 190 sit ups everyday, I lift weights, and I eat right. I just don’t know what I am doing wrong! But, I can’t seem to lose any weight. I would love to just wake up one morning and put on whatever I want because it fits. I’m tired of shopping all over just to find clothes that fit and look good. I hate being called a teacher in the hallways at school because of the clothes I’m wearing. I just want to feel and look beautiful in whatever clothes I put on. Honestly I’m tired of being peoples little secret, and really they should figure out what they want because I’m really tired of being peoples secret!!!!!!!!!! I’m NOT doing it anymore!!!!! I need to do what’s best for me and that’s to focus on myself, and to do what’s best for me. Its time I took control of my out of control life so I could face reality with confidence and be the person I want to be! I really can make my life shine if I put my mind to it! I might be feeling alone right now, but soon enough I won’t be hard work always pays off in the long run.
